Let me paint you a picture: you’re sitting across from someone who holds the exact opposite opinion about something you care deeply about. It’s the classic showdown—your brain buzzing with brilliant comebacks, your heartbeat pounding like you just chugged three espressos. You’re not really listening to them; you’re just waiting for a pause to deliver your mic-drop rebuttal. Sound familiar?
As a life coach (and someone with ADHD, which means my brain often throws surprise parties I didn’t RSVP to), I’ve learned the hard way that this kind of listening gets you nowhere. It’s like trying to steer a shopping cart with a wonky wheel—you’ll just keep spinning in circles.
But here’s the twist: what if you approached that conversation with genuine curiosity instead of judgment? What if, instead of seeing their perspective as an attack, you saw it as a mystery to unravel?
Why Listening with Judgment Feels Like a Dead-End
When we listen with judgment, we’re not really listening. We’re busy mentally defending ourselves or gathering ammunition for a counterattack. The problem is, this approach keeps us stuck in our own echo chamber. You’re not expanding your understanding; you’re just reinforcing your feelings, which might feel validating in the moment but doesn’t lead to growth.
It’s like arguing with your GPS when it reroutes you. “No, I KNOW this is the right way!” But instead of getting to your destination, you’re just yelling in traffic, proving nothing except that you’re committed to your frustration.
Enter: Curiosity, Stage Right
Curiosity is a game-changer. When you listen with curiosity, you’re not trying to win the conversation; you’re trying to learn something. Even if you think the other person is dead wrong, asking open-ended questions like, “Why do you feel that way?” or “What led you to that perspective?” (which is very different that “What’s your source?”) opens a door instead of slamming it shut.
Here’s the magic: by listening objectively, you’re not agreeing with them—you’re gathering data. And sometimes, in that data, you find nuggets of insight that challenge or even refine your own thinking.
For those of us with ADHD, this approach can actually be a relief. We’re naturally curious creatures! Leaning into that curiosity helps us stay engaged instead of spiraling into defensive overthinking.
What You Gain by Listening Without Judgment
- New Perspectives
When you listen to someone with an open mind, you’re essentially borrowing their lens for a moment. You might not like their lens, but it’s valuable to understand how they see the world. It’s like trying on sunglasses with a weird tint—maybe not your style, but you still notice things you didn’t see before. - Emotional Clarity
Listening with judgment tends to amplify emotions, leaving you feeling more frustrated and disconnected. But when you listen with curiosity, you’re less focused on being right and more focused on being present. This lowers the emotional temperature of the conversation and helps you maintain your cool. - Stronger Relationships
People can feel when you’re truly listening to them versus when you’re just tolerating their words until it’s your turn to talk. Genuine listening builds trust and respect, even when you disagree. Personally, I noticed a big difference going into conversations ready to listen. Sure my jokes got less laughs. But that’s because I didn’t have time to make them. I was too busy listening!
How to Practice Listening Like a Life Coach (Who Might Be Slightly Distracted)
- Take a Pause: Before jumping in with a response, take a breath (not a metaphorical one) and ask yourself, “What can I learn here?”
- Ask, Don’t Assume: Instead of assuming you know where their thought is going to end, let them finish, and ask clarifying questions. “Can you tell me more about that?” works wonders.
- Stay Open, Not Defensive: Remember, you’re not signing a contract by listening. You’re just exploring their point of view.
- Use Humor to De-escalate: If things get heated, sometimes a lighthearted comment (like, “Okay, but can we agree pineapple and anchovies on pizza is the real debate here?”) can diffuse tension.
My Closing Thought
Listening with curiosity and without judgment isn’t about giving up your beliefs or “losing” the argument. You aren’t even having an “argument” if you’re listening. You’re having a conversation. It’s about giving yourself the gift of perspective—and maybe surprising yourself along the way. You’d also be shocked at how many times allowing someone to talk through their own perspective will end with them having a new one!
So the next time you’re in a conversation with someone whose views make your eye twitch, put on your (yes metaphorical) monocle and channel your inner detective. Who knows? You might walk away with a deeper understanding and maybe even a good story to tell. And if all else fails, blame ADHD for your sudden outburst of questions—they’ll probably just think you’re quirky.
Just in case nobody has told you yet today, you’re awesome.
-Adam